Life On A B-I7

Journal Entry (Sunday January 22, 2023)

In George Orwell’s essay Politics and the English Language, he warns us:

“Political language — and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservative to anarchist — is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.”

This is as true today as it was in 1946. All people need to be aware of this propensity of politics, but there is even more to be aware of. With the increasing use of AI in all forms of human communication, this problem is only going to get worse. The species needs to be careful when it comes to speech in all forms, else we become little more than slaves to communication, rather than masters of it.

Journal Entry (Saturday January 21, 2023)

I’m happy. Not just today, I mean in general. Like yesterday too… At certain times, something will hit you. I know someone I love that would chide me for what I’m about to say. (It’s all a matter of perspective I suppose.) I’m going to say it anyway, there have really been few times I can think of when I have been happier, and maybe, just maybe, this is the happiest I’ve ever been.

I’m not just talking about happiness for a day or two, here or there, I’m talking about over time, a really good bit of time. Will this be sustainable? Of course over time nothing is easy to sustain. It’s called entropy. Everything has a tendency to devolve. Even so, I don’t really look at this feeling that way. The feeling I have now is both comfortable and eager at the same time. Comfortable in the sense that I have confidence (more than in the past) that the life I’m living now is sustainable. Eager in the sense that I want to not only continue sustaining it, but more importantly, make it better.

There is no doubt in my mind, the person closest to me is a big part of the reason for this happiness. This is my thanks to her.

Journal Entry (Friday January 20, 2023)

“Receive without conceit; release without struggle.”

—Marcus Aurelius

Journal Entry (Thursday January 19, 2023)

Yes, it’s that time again. I am officially a year older. Time I suppose to look back on the previous year and reflect. Here goes. It was the best year of my life. A ridiculous thing to say, but ok, it hasn’t been that bad, really, maybe the best, you never know! I’ve learned a few things, especially about myself. What can be better than that? I’m looking forward to the next year of life. What can be better than that? If I can say all of this a year from now, I will win the prize again!

Journal Entry (Wednesday January 18, 2023)

What is the role of philosophy in life, if not to change your life. I suppose it is a bit like fly fishing. You can do it and enjoy it of course, but if you do it with skill and attention, you are rewarded with dinner. Of course, what do I know, I’ve never fly fished, and I’m allergic to fish anyway. I hope this means I’ll have better luck with philosophy. Philosophy may not reward you with dinner, but there is a chance you will catch something more valuable — knowledge about yourself — and the ability to change yourself…

Journal Entry (Tuesday January 17, 2023)

How do we find worth in ourselves, are we born with it? Is it given to us? Perhaps, though probably it is inside of us. We have to reach in and pull it out. There is no other way to gain it. Unless we do that, we have nothing to give to anyone else. Life and giving is not a quid pro quo. You do it. When it comes back to you, it comes from a place freely given if it is of any value.

Journal Entry (Monday January 16, 2023)

It has been a good day. All I need to do to close out this day is clean the kitty crapper and sweep the floor. I have determined my calling for the next few months. Prepare to take on the TransAm Trail. I’m excited. I’m also hopeful the doctor will give me the green light. At my age, you never know. Arthritis is starting to set in, gotta keep moving. Isn’t that the truth no matter the age? I do worry about a few things, like why haven’t I spent a bigger portion of my life reading great works of poems, essays, and novels? Instead I read computer books. They were enjoyable, no question. They put bread on the table, no question. But what purpose do they server me now? Now I’m more interested in skiing and learning how bind books by hand than I am in learning how to stand up a Hugo website written using the Go programming language…

To evolve can be a bitch.

Journal Entry (Saturday January 14, 2023)

It is agonizing
sending a poem into the world
wondering how it will be received
like watching a child grow up
wondering about the result.

The sun rises every morning
in glorious light
when the child loves you.

The sun sets at night
into perpetual darkness
when you realize the child
has no use for you.

I have been fortunate
I see the sun rising every morning.

Journal Entry (Friday January 13, 2023)

Friday the 13th seems somewhat appropriate for this…

I wrote you a poem yesterday
(a prose poem)
I hope it didn’t scare you
it would have overwhelmed
a man on the street
walking his dog
had it been about him
I would have said something
very different
in that case
but it wasn’t about him
or his dog
the poem was about you
had I seen you on the street
walking a dog
(unlikely I know)
I would not have changed a word

Journal Entry (Thursday January 12, 2023)

This is a post long overdue. Although it is personal in nature, it reflects where I am at this stage in my life, which is simply, less afraid to share my feelings. I realize words like these can sound cliche, but this is truly my best attempt to share a realization and a feeling that has been a long time in coming, one I hope will define the rest of my life. This is the most important thing I have ever written, and probably will be the most important thing I ever write. If you stop reading here, I will have no regrets and I will be perfectly content. if you read on, do me a favor and come back to these words once in awhile, I will be doing that as well…

I’ve been asking myself lately, what is my gift. At first I was looking at this from the perspective of what is my gift to the world. That is much too broad in scope. After a few days of letting the whole idea rest, it came to me (just now in fact) that you have to look at your daily life and extrapolate from that to the world at large. Suddenly, it become clear quite quickly that there is nothing more important than you. To have found you is truly remarkable. A gift greater than I had hoped for. Not exactly true. I knew in a way too deep to depend on, that you were out there. I’m a pragmatist and a romantic. The pragmatist in me wasn’t sure I would find you, the romantic hoped that I would. Both of us got lucky. I found you. Now I realize clearly what I have wanted, what has been missing, and what I want to give going forward, that is my love to you. I suspect you know this, you are a lot smarter than I am, but it makes me feel good to be able to express this to you. Never mind that it has taken me as long as it has to find you and for me to realize what my gift is, that’s how things work I suppose. Now that I realize what my gift is — to love you, I also realize the gift that has come to me, the gift that I treasure above all others, your love for me. These two things have brought me to a place never before experienced, where I want to reside, a place from which I can share myself. So the gift I give to you, and the one you share with me, is now also the gift I give to the world…

Journal Entry (Wednesday January 11, 2023)

ALTA

Another Long Tirade (on being a writer) Again

I can’t even begin to imagine what it would take to be an author, to write something that is remotely good enough to be recognized as literature. I have said in the past I would love to be a writer. But (1) you should not confuse “writer” with “author.” I am a writer (of sorts) not an author. The difference of course is like the difference between night and day. What I do, what I call writing, takes no real skill, all it takes is the willingness to embarrass yourself. To be an author takes real work, not to mention skill, probably beyond my current abilities for sure, and likely beyond my capacity. Perhaps if I had realized at a young age how much I enjoy doing this — stringing words together — I might have been able to make the commitment to become a writer with a story worth sharing (of course there is no guarantee of that). The reality is that given my current age, that goal is more than likely out of my reach. I don’t have twenty or thirty years to reach that lofty height. (It has taken 50 years just to learn how to get my weight forward on my skis, and I’m only successful in doing that a small percentage of my time.) Becoming an author would be something that would likely take even longer…

(1) Can you start a sentence with the word “but?” Part of becoming a (good) writer is learning a bit about grammar. I’m definitely behind on that score. After all, I’ve spent my life as a computer programmer. Programming languages are not known for complex grammar, the English language is a marvelous exception. Apparently it is okay to start a sentence with the word “but.” If Herman Melville can do it, then I suppose I can. To justify that, I give you the following quote:

“Despairing of him, therefore, I determined to go to bed and to sleep; and no doubt, before a great while, he would follow me. But previous to turning in, I took my heavy bear-skin jacket…”

The bottom line here is, yes, you can do it as long as the sentence can stand on its own two legs without the use of the “but,” and as long as you don’t over use it. However, it should probably be avoided in Grand Jury reports, Supreme Court Opinions and other documents more formal than blog posts… unless you are Herman Melville…

Journal Entry (Tuesday January 10, 2023)

I need to… realize am evolving.

I need to… send myself gratitude for where I am and where I am going.

I need to… take time to examine the path I am on.

I need to… give the past its due then let it go.

I need to… trust the future has great things in store for me.

I need to… rest in the current moment.

I need to… contemplate these things nightly.

Journal Entry (Monday January 9, 2023)

Skiing is like life.
There’s a right way and a wrong way.
You can do it either way you want.
How you choose to do it
is largely a matter desire and effort.

Journal Entry (Sunday January 8, 2023)

The “Remains of the Day” is now just “the remains,” period. I did not enjoy this book but something drove me to finish it. I think it was my desire to find out how a book so boring could be brought to an end. I was hoping for something dramatic and satisfying but was disappointed, for that I should not be terribly surprised.

The author is talented, there is no question. The story was an excellent portrayal of a self-deluded, not so bright man, who dedicated his life to the service of people not truly worthy of his efforts while denying himself the only chance of love that came his way. The author had the speech and vernacular of a 20th century British man-servant down perfectly. I felt sorry for the protagonist throughout the entire excruciating journey. I think the author simply wanted me to ask myself a few questions of my own. 1) What am I dedicating my life to? 2) In what ways am I deluding myself? 3) What is it I should be doing to correct any insights I gained by examining questions 1 and 2. The author did a masterful job of keeping his intent for me largely unexposed until the very last page of the book.

Sometimes you have to work hard to get to the answers, I think that is what this book was all about.